Kam Raslan’s Talking Edge

(Reprinted from The Edge – Options pullout, 27 March 2017 issue)

Dear Kam,
Why on earth are Malaysians so interested in Donald Trump? He has got nothing to do with us.
Dazed & confused

Watching the Donald Trump show was taking up too much of my time and I have managed to scale back. But he remains fascinating and a bit like a crazy teen driving the wrong way down a highway. He has been there for over 50 days and he is still the US president despite doing just about everything he can to get himself fired. A couple of things caught my attention recently. His two sons have been jetting around the world to make deals for the family business and the US taxpayer has been paying their travel expenses. And his daughter attended a meeting with the visiting German Chancellor Angela Merkel. Merkel was born in the former communist East Germany, has a doctorate in physical chemistry and has been the German chancellor for 11 years. Ivanka Trump is an heiress who designs shoes that are made in China. Some thought it seemed odd that Ivanka Trump was attending the meeting but Trump presumably thought it would be nice for Merkel because they are both women and it would give them a chance to talk about boys and braid each other’s hair. I am sure Merkel was very impressed.

Critics have been suggesting that Trump is merely using his presidency to enrich his own business concerns but I think he is simply being a good father. Even if they are a bit useless, he knows he can trust his own children to be loyal. And because they are a bit useless, he needs to work now to make sure that they are set up for life. After all, the little people don’t want to see beggars in the White House. They want to see the First Family enjoying a lavish lifestyle complete with golfing trips, expensive hotels and flying on private jets (or are they publicly owned jets? What’s the difference?). This way the people can see that America is a rich country and that will make them happy. He does not want the money — the people want him to have it. If the members of his own party show their loyalty, then they will be allowed to enjoy some of the riches too. Wait a second, something about this all sounds very familiar. Where have I seen this before?

Dear Kam,
My son is too addicted to his phone. I told him this during our family dinner in a WhatsApp message. I know he has seen the message, so why hasn’t he answered?
Flabbergasted parent

I recently helped a friend through a major tragedy. Her phone died. Her phone simply did not work at all, the screen was blank and there was no sign of life but she insisted that it could be resuscitated because it was only four years old. I did not have the heart to tell her that in mobile phone years, that is 80 years old. I tried to tell her that the phone had led a full and exciting life — it had travelled the world, taken a lot of photos that were never printed or even downloaded, and had sent many witty WhatsApp messages — but that now, she needed to accept that it is dead and that all those memories are lost forever, except as actual real human memories.

My friend called me in her moment of crisis because she could only remember two phone numbers and mine was one of them. She called me using an ancient device called a “telephone” that I think they used for communication in The Lord of the Rings times. Because her smartphone had died, she was isolated and afraid. She could not even order a GrabCar or find out who was the second unit director on the 1959 version of Ben-Hur. She could not even look at Wikipedia to find out what a second unit director does and then five hours later, find herself watching YouTube videos about origami because, well, that is what happens.

We rushed her phone to an emergency room where we waited for several anxious hours to see a smartphone doctor. I felt so sorry for my unfortunate friend because she could not even distract herself by scrolling through her phone to find out the latest stupid thing Donald Trump has done or which juice now kills all diseases or even which Friends character she is. But my phone still worked, so I now know how to make little paper dogs and that I am a Rachel (and I always thought I was a Ross).

Eventually, the doctor looked at her phone and gave us the bad news. He explained that the phone was absolutely dead and that every single photo was lost forever. My friend was inconsolable in her grief but the smartphone doctor did offer some kind words by saying, “I’m sorry for your loss”. We walked away in a state of shock because how can I be a Rachel when I am definitely a Ross? I mean, I love dinosaurs.

My friend almost wept as she held the lifeless body of her phone, insisting that nothing could ever replace it. But she had to buy a new phone, and within roughly 43 seconds, had completely forgotten about the old one because this one had treble the gigabyte capacity and a bigger screen and was basically new and therefore better. The only problem my friend faced was that she has had so many pets over the years that she could not remember the passwords to any of her accounts.

I went home having learnt a valuable lesson. To be safe, I need to download all my photos and write down my passwords on a thing called “paper” with a thing called a “pen”. Otherwise, all my hard work with Pokémon will go to waste. Obviously, I did not do any of those things because when I opened my phone, I discovered it was five hours later and I was watching a YouTube video where a guy was showing me the guitar chords for Penny Lane, and I don’t even play the guitar. But I would like to have a new phone.

Reprinted with the kind permission of