Kam Raslan’s Talking Edge

(Reprinted from The Edge – Options pullout, 22 September 2008 issue)

Watch your lips and have the right opinion

Disclaimer: This week’s column is being written on Sept 16. I always try to be relevant for my readers (both of you) but it’s difficult today. My deadline is looming and I’m watching the Internet to see if there will be a change of government. So when you read this week’s column, it might be very topical or a quaint reminder of yesteryear.

Dear Guru,
What’s going on with these ISA arrests? Who will be arrested next?
Isabella
via email

I have to be careful what I say this week because I don’t want to be arrested. So I mustn’t say anything seditious (whatever that means), I mustn’t incite anything or be a threat to public order or upset our delicate racial sensibilities, and I absolutely mustn’t report anything that somebody else said.

Some have said the recent ISA crackdown is an attack on our freedom of speech, but I think that’s nonsense because if you look at political party members, you’ll see that freedom of speech is alive and kicking. So there must be a way to exist in this country without getting arrested.

Some might say the above list would appear to cover just about everything, but that would be an uninformed opinion. After hours of extensive research, I have come up with two phrases that you can say: “I love the government!” and “I love our marvellous police force!”

If you stick to those two phrases, then you might be all right.If you’re very “new age” and into meditation, then you could try getting into a trance-like state and taking your mind back in time. Relax and drift back to a simpler, easier time, before the Internet, satellite TV and text messaging. Try 1987. Once you’re in the 1987 head-zone, you’ll not only find that all the recent events are perfectly normal but also that Wham! and Men At Work are still “cool”. In fact, it’s a lot like listening to LiteFM.

Finally, if you’re still having trouble, then you can get a lobotomy. This can be done at home with a metal clothes hanger. All you have to do is insert it into your brain and wiggle it around a bit. Once you’ve done that, you’ll suddenly find that the RTM news is not only extremely well delivered but also very informative. I don’t recommend this method because you’re probably going to need your brain soon.

Dear Kam,
After the announcement of Budget 2009, my wife has decided to cut my daily pocket allowance to RM20. This morning, as I was having my regular RM1.50 nasik lemak and RM1.20 teh tarik kurang manis for breakfast at Rojoo, we read our MPs from the Backbencher Club are on an overseas study tour!

Come on lah, what is there for them to study when most local and foreign political events can be watched live by subscribing to 24-hour Astro, or just drop by at the local book stores or neighbourhood newsstands to read the latest memoirs by some presidential hopefuls?

If that is too physically strenuous for our MPs, how about coming down to tour Rajoo and study our daily perjuangan (struggle) trying to make ends meet. A former Rajoo diner, who is now working as a chef in that island republic where our MPs are touring and studying, has emailed to inform us that fist-fights by the island’s male and female MPs are very much part of parliamentary debates and they are broadcast live. The local press and the TV stations are uncontrollable and uncensored, street demonstrations are as common as our weekly pasar malam, and the only hope of winning a gold medal by the island citizens in the next Olympic Game lies with their scantily dressed all female pole dancing teams.

Is it wise to subject our YBs to such corrupting foreign influence during puasa? Or should we again just keep one eye closed in the spirit of Malaysia Bolehlah?
Wooden Benchers at Rojoo
via email

Your letter is typical of uninformed Malaysian opinion. First of all, why do you have an opinion? I thought we had eradicated that stuff years ago. Oh well, if you must have an opinion, then it is important that you have the right opinion. The government has done everything it can to give you the right opinion by telling its story through virtually all the newspapers, TV and radio stations. Unfortunately, it doesn’t control the Internet, but it might be working on that.

In the case of the recent BN tour of Taiwan, it is my duty to inform you that they were not there to study Taiwanese democracy. They were studying agriculture so they were in the cleansing, fresh air of the countryside and far away from the morally corrupting influences of the cities. It’s important to know about agriculture because if you ever lose your job, then you’ll know how to grow your own food or get work on a farm.

You might benefit from that kind of knowledge in your quest to save money. All you have to do is take a business-class flight to Taiwan, and make sure to take your golf clubs.

Dear Guru,
Will (Datuk Seri) Anwar (Ibrahim) take over the government? And what will he do when he does?
Change, Change, Change
via email

This country has some big problems to deal with. And yet sorting them out shouldn’t be that hard. It’s easy to locate the problems, then we have to deal with them. For instance, our education system is a disaster, but it doesn’t have to be. We need to create a decent education system. Easier said than done, you might say. But not really. A good education system is a good education system. A bad one is a bad one. We must give our children an education that will make them globally competitive. The notion that ignorance is bliss is not a worldbeater. Anwar didn’t exactly cover himself with glory when he was education minister. Maybe things have changed.

Locating and solving problems is not impossible if we have the will. And we really do have the will. We haven’t given up on this country yet. Or we could throw up our hands and give up. We could say the country is ruined and concentrate on making the corridors work instead.

Dear Kam,
The world’s stock markets are crashing. What do I do?
Crashing Out
via email

Do you still have shares? That’s so 1990s. In fact, do you still have money? Can I have some?

Epilogue: I’ve just finished writing and I think it looks like Anwar has done it. Or maybe not. You’ll know better when you read this.

Reprinted with the kind permission of