Kam Raslan’s Talking Edge

(Reprinted from The Edge – Options pullout, 25 July 2016 issue)

Dear Kam,
Is it my imagination or was there an attempted military coup in Turkey?
Orwell That Ends Well

The boarding school I went to in England in the 1970s had several students from Africa, Central America and the Middle East. Their parents were obviously very wealthy but I did not know any of these boys well, and as it turned out, I did not need to try.

As the months rolled by, there were military coups in each of their countries and a familiar routine was established. In the middle of the night, a fleet of cars would arrive at our school to whisk the children away. The next morning, their desks would be empty and when we asked where they were, we had an established answer: “Coup”.

Ahh, we would reply, knowingly. The English children at the school — sons of farmers and advertising executives — moved on quickly, but I was left feeling worried.

I saw photographs of the aftermath of an African coup where high-ranking members of the deposed regime had been tied to posts and shot. Was one of them the father of one of the boys who had been whisked away in the middle of the night? Could this coup thing happen in Malaysia?

Fortunately, my concerns for Malaysia were unfounded. Malaysia was always refreshingly sane and boring by comparison. Being from Malaysia and growing up in England, the concept of a military coup remains remote and otherworldly, but my glancing childhood experience still fills me with unease at the mention of coups and their aftermath.

I admit I don’t know much about military coups but the recent attempt in Turkey looked quite miserable. It appeared to amount to no more than blocking the bridge across the Bosphorus and the whole thing was put down within 24 hours.

But President Recep Tayyip Erdogan’s response in the aftermath has been chillingly complete. The military, the once most powerful player in Turkish politics, has been entirely emasculated, thousands have been sacked from the judiciary and education and the vision of Mustafa Kemal Ataturk (the founding father of modern Turkey) for a secular nation has probably come to a grinding halt after just less than 100 years.

Ironically, it might be thanks to a blundering attempt at a military coup that a democratically elected leader will be able to create an unbreakable vice-like grip on all politics, finance and thought. It is all beginning to look, well, Ottoman.

Erdogan has already built for himself a massive palace that is so gaudy and gold-plated that only Donald Trump and the most ostentatious of Mak Datins would consider tasteful. But an Ottoman sultan might appreciate it.

Now, Erdogan’s position looks to be so utterly unassailable that many other foreign leaders must be green with envy and keen to follow the example that has been set.

Dear Kam,
There are so many scams promising big money. How do I know which ones are legit?
Get Rich Quick

I have just returned to Malaysia after spending several weeks with my mother in England, where a strange thing happened. Her landline at home rang five times. For me, that is already a strange thing because who uses landlines these days? Elderly people, that’s who.

When the phone rang, the people at the other end told me they were from her internet service provider and that they had detected somebody trying to hack into my mother’s account. To solve this danger, they said I needed to download a computer programme.

At first, I thought they might be legitimate because, well, they kept telling me very aggressively to trust them.

Anyway, I did start downloading the programme, but then I realised that if I did so, then these people would be able to control my computer from afar. So I put the phone down.

Over the next few days, I received more of these calls supposedly from the internet provider and even one purportedly from the government that wanted to give my mother thousands of pounds for being a model citizen. This call I found amusing because these people were obviously all Indians in a busy call centre in India.

I said my mother would be honoured to receive this gift from the Indian government and this time, they put the phone down.

I must admit that I have not heard of this scam being aimed at Malaysians. Malaysian retirees are not as wealthy as their British counterparts (before the pound sterling collapsed, that is), but they are just as computer unsavvy. So, watch out and be careful.

Dear Kam,
What on earth is going on with global geopolitics? Everywhere I look, the world is in crisis.
Atlas Alas

You can forget trivial things like the coup in Turkey, Britain’s post-Brexit implosion, the rise of Donald Trump and his wife’s speech that she plagiarised from Michelle Obama or even waking up to find that China has claimed your bedroom as sovereign territory because the only truly important thing in global geopolitics right now is the vicious war that has broken out between the combined forces of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West and “General” Taylor Swift. That’s right, the world is at war on land, air, sea, Twitter and Snapchat, and thousands of Pokemons have already suffered senseless deaths as the factions fight for the ultimate prize — publicity.

I did some research into the causes of this war (so you don’t have to) and I was almost immediately bored to death, another victim of this tragic conflict. All I could work out was that it might have something to do with narcissism, selfies and West having a big bum or, you know, whatever. And yet despite this war almost breaking the internet, other forces have still somehow managed to win publicity for their own causes.

That’s right — we have a comeback and after years of dormancy, Pas Youth has this time teamed up with Selena Gomez to re-release their old hit, “You’re Too Sexy for This Country”.

It is a sure-fire publicity hit that should be able to keep up with the Kardashians. And now, a moment’s silence for our fallen comrade Pikachu. He was brave, friendly and he was delicious.

Reprinted with the kind permission of